Photo by Cyron
One of the interesting things about writing a blog is the traffic statistics you get. You can see all sorts of things, like which posts are most popular (this one, thanks in large part to Alison at Ask a Manager, who linked to it). You can see which days of the week you are popular (Monday) and which days you aren’t (Saturday…apparently some of you have lives). In some cases you can see which ISPs or companies visit your site a lot (I’m big with RoadRunner users in Wisconsin, and someone at a government office in Utah spent more than two hours reading my stuff one afternoon last week).
My favorite part, though, is the opportunity to see what people typed into Google to get here. Sometimes the stuff they search for make sense, and sometimes…well, not so much. Here are my favorite search strings from May, and what I’d tell these people if I knew how to reach them:
- Failed interview due to thank you notes. I doubt it. I can’t think of a single time someone has failed to get the job solely because of thank you notes. I think you’re beating yourself up here.
- Writing a cover letter for Trader Joe’s. Cool. I hope you get the job. And then I hope you get an employee discount. And then I hope you use the discount to buy me a ton of their cheese curds, and a tin of their hot chocolate. Thanks in advance.
- How many spaces do you use in a cover letter? Ummm, no one cares. For real.
- Are phone interviews real? No. They’re just how the aliens get you in a fixed location, so they can abduct and probe the crap out of you.
- Does a resume have to be one page? 33 people searched on this in May alone. People, it’s 2009. The resume is in the computer. It’s not on paper. Nobody cares. More than one page is fine.
- Screw with my mind not with me. Umm, okay, if you insist. I am not sure how that’s going to get you a job though.
- Why people hate HR. Because some HR people are weenies. Also, because people think it’s HR people who keep them from getting a job. Usually it’s actually the hiring manager, but I don’t get the google results for “why people hate hiring managers.”
- Can women wear pants to a job interview? This came up 51 times in May alone (and is one of my top search strings of all time). Again, it’s 2009. Wear pants. Sheesh.
- Are gaucho pants appropriate for an interview? No. They are not appropriate anywhere. They are ugly and make you look fat. Take them off immediately.
- Can we use exclamation points in resumes? No! It’s tacky! And you are not in junior high!
- When typing cover letter do I use madam or madame? A madame is the woman who runs a whorehouse. If that’s where you’re applying, use “madame.” Otherwise, use “madam.”
- Can one email a job interviewer after 5pm? Ummm, yes. The computer doesn’t care. It doesn’t eat dinner or sleep or anything. It’s a computer.
- Cover letter do you have to put dear. No. Put “Hey Asshole!” Let me know how that works out.
- Clues if you want someone to find ice cream. Okay, well, I have no idea what this means. I like ice cream too though. Let’s be friends.
- Should an online job board ask for my date of birth? NO. NEVER. Seriously, there is no reason to provide that information to a job board. EVER.
- Why do emails have the number 69 in them? Well, because a lot of people thought the moon landing was really cool, and they want to commemorate it. Stay in school, okay?
- Stapling condoms through the middle. 14 people searched for this. I don’t even know what to say to that. Clue: Don’t staple condoms.
- Kerry Sandberg sucks. Yes. Well. You suck too, I guess.
- Dr. Phil job hunting. Oh PLEASE tell me Dr. Phil isn’t giving out job hunting advice. I will have to poke my eye out with a fork for real this time.
- Blow it out your ass 2! Are you looking for a sequel to this post? Because, sadly, there isn’t one. Sequels usually suck anyway, except for The Empire Strikes Back, which was the best Star Wars movie.
- I cried in a job interview. Okay, well, that probably wasn’t fun. Don’t obsess on it though. Everyone has done something dumb in a job interview at least once. I’ve seen way, way worse.
- That’s why I ask the questions dummy. See #7.
- Shy boob. Okay, well, if your boob is shy, perhaps it should not be involved in the job hunting process. Just a thought.
- Nakid boobys. Kid, here’s a clue: learn to spell. Chicks are more likely to show you their boobies if they don’t think you are illiterate.
- Did China get nukes because of outsourcing. I don’t know, but the person who Googled this viewed every single page on my website. I’m inexplicably freaked out by that.
- Interview question about internet porn at home. Oh. My. Gawd. Now THERE’S one I haven’t heard before.