When I asked some of my HR/recruiting colleagues for their own cluefree tales, a lot of their responses involved drug testing. Here are a few:
- One candidate showed up for an interview looking completely strung out. He could barely walk. The interviewer asked just enough questions to be polite, and then asked the candidate if he had any questions. The candidate said, “Yes, uhhh, do you guys do drug testing?” The recruiter lied and said they did, hoping to discourage him. The candidate said, “Well, I could probably pass if we could put this off for a few weeks. Would that be okay?”
- Another candidate was hired, and they sent him for the drug test the day he started. The results came back with an adulterated sample. The candidate insisted this was a mistake, and asked to speak to the Medical Review Officer (MRO—the third-party medical expert who oversees this stuff). The manager, the HR person, and the candidate got the MRO on the phone. The MRO said that if the sample had indeed come from the candidate, he’d better get to the hospital immediately, because his urine had the same acidity as battery acid. The HR person and the manager looked at each other, then ended the call. The candidate quietly said he’d grab his stuff and go. On his way out, he asked if they’d be willing to give him a good reference, for one day of work, when he failed the drug test and made them call the MRO to boot. They declined.
- The next candidate had actually been with the company for about four months as a temp, and kept asking when he wag going to do his drug test so he could be hired as a regular employee. Finally his day came, and when he reported to work he was sent off to do his drug test. He gave his sample, and then disappeared. They never saw him again. Turns out he had the trifecta—marijuana (which stays in your system for weeks), cocaine (which stays in your system for a day or two), and heroin (which stays in your system for a few hours). This meant that the guy had actually done heroin before coming to work that day, even though he knew he was going to be tested any day so that they could hire him. You have to wonder why he bothered to go and give the sample at all.
I also had a candidate once whose urine sample came back as non-human. This was before the internet, so you couldn’t just buy it online like you can now. You had to collect your animal urine the old-fashioned way.
Clue: Just say no. You’re not going to beat the drug test. Really.
Tales of the Cluefree appear pretty much every Friday. Past stories are here.
Photo by marxchivist