34 More Questions People Have Asked Google to Get Here

34 More Questions People Have Asked Google to Get Here

by Kerry Scott on 21 December 2009

3453998793_aaca961a7a

Why do you like these posts so much?  I don’t know.  But the last one and the one before were huge hits according to my stats thingy, so I can’t quit without giving you just one more.  Here are 34 more things people have typed into Google to get here:

  1. Clue Wagon. I have three different people who visit this site at least once a day.  Each time, they type in “clue wagon” into Google to get here.  Why not bookmark?  Why not just go straight to cluewagon.com?  It’s a mystery.
  2. Can I wear pants to an interview. No.  Go naked.  Employers love that.
  3. Three things you should do before going to an interview. Shower.  Brush your teeth.  Take off your pants.
  4. 3 hour job interview. That tells you how long the meetings are going to be if you take the job.  Run.  People who can routinely go three hours without peeing are freaks anyway.
  5. Acronym for not rambling in an interview. STFU.
  6. Admiral Rickover piss me off. Okay.  Well.  This is a little weird.  You know the dude is dead, right?  But at least you know something about history.  I heard a guy in line at Walgreen’s yesterday talking to his kid about how we fought the Germans during the Civil War.
  7. How to ask why a job is open. Try, “Can you tell me why the job is open?”
  8. How to change yourself completely.  This one makes me a little sad, because it’s usually a bad idea to change yourself completely.  That usually leads to misery.  It’s better to find circumstances under which you don’t need to change completely, y’know?
  9. I really need a job badly. I know.  I’m sorry.  It sucks.
  10. Meet your ass. Huh.  You know, you could probably start a consulting business with this.  I mean, there are lots of people who cannot find their asses, even with a fancy GPS thingy.
  11. Why do you want to work for Delta? See, I’m not sure I can answer this.  I don’t want to work for Delta.  Why are you asking Google this?  Because if you really don’t know why you want to work there, you probably shouldn’t.
  12. Height on your resume. No.  Sheesh.  Why would your height be relevant? Take that stuff off.  Stick to job-related stuff.
  13. 12 nakid boobs. I love that there’s 12.  I like a kid who knows the exact number of “nakid” boobs he wants to see.  Plus, an odd number would be weird.
  14. 6 candidates interviewed in one day…do I want to be last? Hell no.  By then the interviewer is exhausted and can’t remember her own name, let alone yours.
  15. Can a voice mail knock you out of being hired? Well, geez, what did you say?  Did you drop an f-bomb?  That might do it.  Otherwise, I think you’re overthinking this a little.
  16. Can former employees say bad things about you since you quit. Of course.  People can and will talk smack about you.  If you think they’re talking some sort of illegal smack, you can talk to a lawyer.  But I don’t know where people get the idea that no one is allowed to say anything negative about anyone.
  17. Can you wear Chuck Taylors with a suit? Yes, but you’ll look like a dumbass.
  18. Convincing an employer to hire me even though I failed a drug test. Yeah.  Good luck with that.
  19. Cover letter for sending proposal for marriage. Wow.  Romantic.  I saw this on a Law and Order episode though.  The mail order bride agreed to marry him, but then he killed her and buried her in the backyard, and her twin sister took over her life.  So you should clearly state in the cover letter that you’re definitely not going to kill her and then take up with her twin sister.
  20. Creating a consistent thread in your resume. I like this.  Like, you figure out what your selling point is…say, problem solving.  You’re a great problem-solver.  Then you try and tell that story throughout your resume.  That’s great stuff, for real.
  21. Does something I did in elementary school reflect on my permanent record? Ummm, no.  You know what?  I can’t even remember the names of all my elementary schools.
  22. Gay people that work for Delta.  You think there’s a list?  On the internet?  Really?
  23. How to pause and think during an interview. First you pause.  Then you think.  It’s fine to stop and consider your answer.  In fact, that’s way better than people who talk nonstop.  You can even say, “Let me think about that for a minute.”  People like thinkers.
  24. How to spell the name Kerry for a male. K-E-R-R-Y.
  25. I don’t smoke marijuana will it show up in tests? Wait.  Are you the same one who’s worried about his elementary school permanent record?  You’re adorable.
  26. I failed my DOT drug screen not human sample. Well, then, you’re too stupid to work here.  Or anywhere.  Clearly you were holding the wrong weenie over the cup during the test.  Next time leave the pig at home.
  27. If you do not have children and have no plans of doing so is it appropriate to tell a potential employer. No.  You’re going to make them very uncomfortable, and they can’t consider that information anyway.
  28. im smart why is my pay so low. Lack of punctuation, I’m guessing.  Also, asking Google why your pay is low might indicate that you are not actually all that smart.
  29. Job interview porn. Eww.  Is this a recession thing?
  30. LinkedIn what happens if I click on I don’t know this person. Then LinkedIn thinks they’re a spammer.  If it’s someone who is spamming you, or pretending to know you when you’re 100% sure they don’t, click that box.  Otherwise, if it’s just a stranger saying something perfectly normal like, “I just moved here, and I’m looking to expand my network,” don’t.  You’re really screwing them by clicking that box and getting them in trouble with LinkedIn.  If you don’t want to connect with them, that’s totally fine.  Just don’t do harm to them by clicking the “I don’t know this person” box.
  31. What do you do when a guy only talks to you because you’re smart. Rejoice.  That’s way better than a guy only talking to you because you’re cute or slutty or something.  Guys who like smart girls are usually a good bet.
  32. You’re an idiot for not hiring me. Maybe.  But don’t email and tell them that, because you’ll never have a chance there again.  You never know where that person will turn up later.
  33. I don’t have to be interviewed. I am that good. Are you sure?  Because you sound like kind of an asshole.
  34. How to read a boob. Must…not…link…to…wait, no, forget it.  There’s no way I can resist this one.  Sorry.  I tried.

Photo by Evil Erin

Facebook Twitter Linkedin Stumbleupon Email

Other posts you might like:

{ 7 comments }

Joseph Hayes December 21, 2009 at 4:14 pm

Great list. I’m guessing that most of the hiring world has already seen 12 boobs, all asking those questions, probably today.

abdpbt December 21, 2009 at 6:49 pm

The google search queries never get old. It’s just so crazy what people search for, like google is their private confidante or something.
.-= abdpbt´s last blog ..25 Rejected Ideas For Best Of 2009 MommyBlogging Lists =-.

Tim G December 21, 2009 at 11:18 pm

Kerry-
I’m gonna miss posts like this one. Really. Not just the humor, but the practicality.
Take #23, for example. During a time when I was doing 4 to 5 interviews a day, I would start by saying something like “Take your time considering your answers to these questions. Silence while you think is OK.” Even with that, it seems people just don’t like the silence, and think this type of noise is better: “Well, there was the time when, no wait, that was something else, um, I think that I do my best work when I, um, no, wait. Could you repeat the question?”
.-= Tim G´s last blog ..An Obligation to Be Safe =-.

Stephanie McDonald December 22, 2009 at 8:35 am

Oh Kerry..you are one in a million. Thanks for a really seriously hard laugh on a rough day. Have a merry holiday and all that.

Steph

Stefanie December 23, 2009 at 2:29 pm

I am so glad you didn’t resist – this nearly made me spit coffee all over my desk it was so good. You just made my day.

HR Johnny December 24, 2009 at 10:29 am

Kerry, you are brilliant. I wish you would reconsider ending your blog, but I can understand. You will be missed.

Kerry Sandberg Scott December 24, 2009 at 10:35 am

You guys are way too nice to me. Midwesterners are not wired for all of this praise. It gives us hives.

Comments on this entry are closed.

{ 1 trackback }

Previous post:

Next post: