One thing that’s changed a lot in the 10 years or so since I last worked on my family history research is the internet. Cousins are easier to find now. I know, because I just found some on Facebook, while my carrots were roasting for dinner. It was that easy.
When I started doing research in the early 1990s, you had to look through phone books (remember those?). If you were lucky, you were working with an uncommon name, and you could narrow it down to just a few possibilities. Then, you might write a letter…or, if you were really bold, you might call. You couldn’t be sure you hand the right person, and they couldn’t be sure you weren’t a weirdo or something.
Now, you can look people up on sites like Facebook. You know you have the right person, because you can see all the people they’re connected to, including their siblings and cousins and teenage children. You can see their picture before you talk to them, and note how much they look like Great-Grandpa Joe. If you friend them, they can see everything about you, before they even decide to friend you back. It’s cool, but it’s a little creepy too (and people…check your privacy settings, please. Do you really want random strangers seeing all that before you’ve friended them?).
Obviously, I’m into family history, so hearing from a long-lost cousin who wants to share information is generally exciting for me. However, I know not everyone feels that way. Sometimes branches of the family have lost touch for good reasons, and other times people have family situations they just don’t want to have to explain to a stranger. These things can be delicate.
So I’m curious. What would you do if you got an email or a Facebook friend request from a long-lost cousin? Would you be excited or annoyed? Would you think it was a scam? Would you respond? Would you be curious to see what pictures and information they had to share, or would you want no part of the whole thing?
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I WAS this long-lost cousin once, in the early 1990s. After moving to the largest city in the upper Midwest, I trolled through the phone book in homage to Steve Martin’s Navin Johnson in “The Jerk.”
I found the name of a favorite childhood cousin from my estranged father’s family. I called. He, his wife and kids, and my brother struck up a strained little friendship. It was the most awkward thing ever and we were all in our early 20s so didn’t know how to say, “Whoops, this just isn’t working out. Please go back away now and good luck to ya.”
Next time I moved apartments, I didn’t give him my forwarding info. He never tried to find me. Fifteen years later, I’m still creeped out, sorry for intruding on his life, and wishing I’d left the whole thing alone.
.-= Amy Boland´s last blog ..Dear Thailand: Thanks for Curry =-.
We met a long lost relative who contacted another family member. Coincidentally enough, he had the same name as their recently deceased child, so the initial phone call was particularly chilling. They have been invited to family gatherings since them, and we’ve really enjoyed the addition to the family.
Very sweet people.
Not quite estranged, but my cousin and I didn’t speak for a long time because my father and her father had disputes. We came to the realization when we both hit adulthood that their feud has nothing to do with us.
I’m incredibly curious about my family history, especially the uncomfortable and horrible stuff no one wants to talk about. Mostly because we can learn a lot about ourselves by knowing who we came from. Even knowing that we came from stock of cruel or crazy, we can work to understand more about the people our parents and grandparents and so on grew up to be as a result of those who raised them. Knowing, for instance, that terrible handwriting isn’t a family trait so much as a result of enforced right-handedness.
The point being, I’d be happy to be contacted.
At some point I would have been glad to be contacted, but now am content to focus on the people currently in my life, some from the family of origin, but most in my circle of immediate family and friends. Too much has happened requiring too much explanation to bring long lost family members up to date. And memory itself is a problem. My version of events is different than other members versions, colored by different experiences, different paths taken in life.
.-= Susan Tiner´s last blog ..S Corp Loan to Shareholder =-.
Due to my last name being rather uncommon in the US, but not elsewhere — I was frequently contacted by long-lost relatives, who weren’t actually mine. I enjoyed taking the time to look into it, have a chat, share what I knew of the diaspora/where else they may have success in their search, and then wish them luck on their search.
My long-lost relatives are in another country, speaking another language (but I’m pretty sure that the ones of my generation will share enough of the two languages that I speak for communication… I just regret that I don’t speak their native tongue). I’m thinking about getting in touch again, but I’m worried about the reaction.
At some point, you have to just get over that worry: If they aren’t interested in communication after initial contact, I’m not any worse off than now, right?
Em—you’re probably right…although some of these other stories are reinforcing my own hangups about this. I just don’t want to cause people any unnecessary drama.
I love finding dead people, but living people are a lot more complicated.
I have both contacted a long lost family member and have been contacted once myself. When I made the contact by phone, it was met with suspicion. I always wondered what I might have learned from my husbands’ great grandfather’s brother about family… I was contacted at my place of work by a long lost cousin. He tracked me down by my married name from a posting I had made to a web site 15 years prior. I was confused at first, “who was this guy?” As we talked and he mentioned common ancestors, I believed he was sincere. I mailed him all my materials but other than a thank you, he never shared his info. I don’t regret sharing my hard earned research. I just wonder why he didn’t do the same.
I’d be happy to hear from people – I’m curious about family history and like to hear stories.
If for whatever reason the person who contacted me ended up being someone I didn’t want to have any additional contact with, I’d have no problem ending communication. I also don’t feel like I’d need to go into any detailed explanations of things I don’t want to discuss so I have no worries about that.
.-= Sheila´s last blog ..RSS Feed Progress =-.
I’m a 51-year-old man and fourth generation of our Slovak-ancestry family in the U.S. My great-grandparents would roll over in their graves to learn that I feel no emotional link to the old country. However, a great-uncle in his 80s (second generation) has made genealogy a passion. My family is essentially from northeast Pennsylvania, and it spilled into neighboring areas of New York and New Jersey. However, my father’s work took us around the country, and we eventually settled in Wichita, Kan.
As a result, my immediate family was separated from the main body of the family. My two sisters and I grew up hearing about “Uncle John,” “Aunt Helen” or “Susan XXXXX,” but we had little clue what relation they were to us. My parents knew, of course. Two years ago, the great-uncle made an observation: The extended family back East could make day trips among the members, but keeping my family truly “in the loop” (my words) required a round trip halfway across the country. So the extended members really didn’t, well, try.
During the visit to my great-uncle two years ago, he explained his research. One item was there was a distant relative in Colorado — something like the son of a cousin of a cousin of another relative’s wife. It was that convuluted — but he had the man’s Colorado address! After I mentioned that one of my sisters lived near Denver now, he especially wanted to give me the address to share with her. I honestly wasn’t interested but accepted it tactfully.
Why wasn’t I interested? Because I honestly thought that if I tried to contact this person, his entire reaction would be “… WHO …?” And even after I explained this story, his response would have been “… OK … What do you WANT …?”
My sister in Colorado agreed completely. She had an interesting theory: Yes, there’s valid curiosity in learning your family tree. But knowing your extremely distant relatives was more useful in the 19th century, e.g., in the old country. If your were traveling — maybe on foot — to Bratislava and knew your extremely extended family, you could crash at their places: “Hey, I’m Georgi, the son of your cousin’s cousin of my third great-uncle Albert’s wife.” They’d blink and say, “Albert from the village of Frankov in Lower Sares?” “Yeah.” “GEORGI! COME ON IN!”
Whereas the Colorado son of a cousin of a cousin of another relative’s wife would more likely say, “… Albert … WHO? … And what do you WANT …?”
Just some thoughts. Enjoyed the HR blog amd love the new one.
You know, George, you may be right about that. I think we’re all a little more cynical and suspicious than we were 100 years ago.
I also wonder what the impact of sites like Facebook will be in terms of extended family. In the days when your family moved to Kansas, that big expanse between you and the eastern branch was huge. Maybe people would exchange letters or Christmas cards, but even that didn’t always happen, especially after the older relatives died.
Now, though, it’s so much easier for people to stay in touch with the internet. My husband is now connected to second cousins he probably never would have known at all in adulthood….people he hasn’t seen since he was a very small child. You see this with high school reunions too—I’ve actually already connected online with some of my old friends from high school, so I don’t really have much need to fly across the country and go to the reunion. I already know what they look like now, where they work, how they celebrated Valentine’s Day, etc.
Although I am still not crazy about Facebook, I have to admit that it’s been a nice way to reconnect with people I didn’t realize I missed. Geography just isn’t a barrier to that anymore. That means our children and grandchildren will have more options in terms of choosing the family members they want to keep in touch with, instead of having them chosen for them by time and distance.
It’s an interesting change. I can’t imagine how our ancestors would react to how easily we can communicate today.
I have loads of cousins, and one of them made an email distribution list a few years back. Last week, I got an email from one of them. He had been held up, in a foreign country, and need help (cash) to get home. A quick copy-and-paste into snopes.com confirmed my suspicion that this was a case of email hi-jacking, and Steve sent a follow up a few days later apologizing for the fact that his email was somehow hacked.
It made me almost wish it was a genuine emergency, because with that many cousins, he would have gotten the help!
.-= Tim G´s last blog ..Day 7,431 – I Can Make Music =-.
Are you talking about long lost cousins as in 2nd or 3rd cousins, or people your close relatives don’t talk to anymore? I think there is a big difference. I know there are some cousins of my g-gramma that I would like to get in touch with that still live on their farm. Than there are also ones that my mom doesn’t talk to because of some things that happened when I was a kid, and my mom would be really mad if I was talking to them.
Oh, definitely second or third cousins and their ilk. The people I have in mind are descendants from my great-grandfather’s brother…not close relatives.
When you have rifts involving close relatives and/or people who are still living, that’s a whole different thing. I wouldn’t touch those. In my experience, those people aren’t “long-lost” relatives. They’re not lost. They know exactly where to find you. They just don’t want to.
Sometimes rifts happen for good reasons. Not every family is perfect, and I think it’s often best to let sleeping dogs lie.
My mom has been working on the family history for the past 20 years. She and my aunt have found distant relatives in Czechoslovakia. My aunt and uncle visited them a few years ago and are in email contact with them. I like that level of relationship – emailing distant, European relatives whom I might want to see the next time I’m across the pond.
But yeah – if there has been a family feud with someone in the next town, I would rather leave it alone. I have 16 aunts and uncles and 26 first cousins. I’m already busy.
.-= The gold digger´s last blog ..In which Sly and Doris threaten to boycott the wedding =-.
I’m sad at the number of people who are afraid of reactions. Do you not wave at passersby on your street? Greet neighbors? Is any human interaction at all just too much pressure? Are we too afraid of the sue-happy and the rude and the mean people out there (who are not the majority, just a loud minority) that we’re afraid to be friendly with anyone?
I moved far away from my immediate family and am thrilled to hear when friends of friends of friends are coming to town, or relatives I’ve never met, I’m happy to take them out to dinner and spend some time. I love how I’m connected to so many people. And if we have a bad time of it, it’s one night wasted and a funny story. I enjoy conversations with strangers and meeting new people. Having a family connection gives an excuse to reach out. And if you get nothing in return, you’ve lost nothing. If the reaction is hostile, you share one bad phone call. But you gain a friend and family member if the reaction is positive.
Humbug!
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..Oh, the Crazy =-.
i grew up with my moms side of the family. when i was just a baby my dad left us. we reconnected a couple of years before he died. didnt get that close though. i’ve recenty come into contact with an aunt i’ve never met. and she seems soo nice, she gave me my other grandmothers phone number. i’ve never met this other grandmother. and i’m not quite sure how to go about handling this situaion. i know i’m gonna call, but i dont know what to say or how to say it.
Britt—that’s not an easy phone call to make, I’ll bet. I hope it works out. I’m guessing your aunt would have told her she passed along the telephone number, so hopefully that will grease the skids a bit. Good luck!
Hmm, Funny I found this today! My two daughters are “meeting” my exhusbands family as I write this and I am sitting here madder than a cat dipped in water! My ex left me when he decided to have an affair with my best friend, I was pregnant and my 1st child was just an infant. (they are 13 months apart) I used to take them to their “grandmothers” (his mom) to see her until the girls were about 9 and 10 or so. She NEVER came to our home, she saw them only because I wanted them to know that side of the family at that time. When I was able to move to a better home, we went over to tell her, she the grandma was having a BBQ with all her other children and their spouses, so when we drove up It really didnt “please” her , and after I told her that we were buying a new home she stated “THIS IS WHERE WE SHOULD CUT THE CORD” no invite to eat with everyone nothing, so we left, OK now its 20 some odd years later and FACEBOOK…. Well a “cousin” a step sister whatever found one of my girls (they have never know their fater he just wasnt enough interested to even call, so he is a stranger), anyway today my girls are at that side of the familys grandmas “birthday” meeting them. And this is what I personally think! If my girls were not good enough for you then, YOUR NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR THEM NOW! You were all adults at the time, the “aunts” and the “grandma” and “grandpa” as they would like to be called, could have cared less if they went to bed hungry or if they were barefoot in december, Now that they are all grown they want them to come and be “part of the family” BULL thats right BULL I say go to find out if there are any cancers or illness you need to know about and say farewell. Unfortunatly I am not going to say a word, it will have to be a live and learn thing. Anyone who would abandon a child is no good in my book ESP since it is my children! So FACEBOOK is not good all the time!
Yikes. How frustrating.
Sorry, I didn’t find this page until months after it was posted.
My father abandoned me before I was born, and my mother left me to live with my grandparents soon after. I knew my mother growing up, but only saw my father once that I can remember. Since I never lived with my father, I never considered him a member of my family.
Not many years ago, I received a phone call from out of the blue from a woman living over 500 miles away who claimed to be my half-sister. I was skeptical at first, but she knew enough details which I could confirm that it was soon apparent she is indeed related to me. At first, things did NOT go well: she had known that she had a brother she never met, and (from my perspective) was expecting a big brother who would be overjoyed to hear from her. The problem is, I did not consider her to be a part of my family; my father had started an entirely new family after I was born, but had never made any effort to contact me.
Her fixation on her long-lost brother quickly became something of an obsession. I started to resist her probing personal questions, which resulted in several nasty arguments by email or phone. I finally had to cut off our contact.
Months later (with my conscience bothering me) I contacted her again, and we started corresponding regularly. She and her family have visited twice, which was interesting because they were ultra-conservative Southerners visiting a liberal Northern city. Their visits went very well, but since then she only contacts me very rarely. I strongly suspect that I could never have lived up to the fantasy she grew up with.
I really and truly wish she had never tried to find me. It has been an unpleasantly emotional experience for me at times, and obviously a huge disappointment for her.
Artie—I think that’s exactly what the issue is: expectations.
When you have people who are several generations removed from the original split, and they never knew of each other, there are no expectations. Nobody’s disappointed. You exchange emails, maybe share photos…but unless you hit it off for some reason, you’re probably done after that, and it’s fine.
But when you have people who have had a relationship with someone in their head for a long time, and then they meet the real-life person, there’s ALWAYS going to be a disconnect. I think it’s possible for things to work out, but in my experience, it’s kind of rare.
I think, too, that sometimes folks don’t always consider the feelings that might be on the other side of the split. Given your father’s departure, it seems pretty natural for you to feel ambivalent about the whole thing from the start. It sounds like maybe she didn’t think things through from that perspective.