Genealogist-ologist Dr. Pat Smith, who studies genealogists in their natural habitats, has followed up his groundbreaking work on the origins of genea-crap with a new report. In it, Dr. Smith reveals that he has discovered a new virus. This virus is believed to be the cause of the recent explosion of genea-skankery—that is, great-grannies who are subjected to random hookups by their cluefree descendants.
“It’s always been a problem,” says Dr. Smith, “but the rise of the internet has brought an exponential increase in genea-skankery. An astonishing number of online trees contain unlikely scenarios, like woman marrying their own grandsons or giving birth to their own parents. Even grannies with no children at all are often found married to random strangers on these online trees.”
Dr. Smith’s study also involved hiring
a snarky blogger with a Ouija board a professional medium in order to understand the impact of genea-skankery on actual dead people. The medium was able to reach a number of victims of genea-skankery.
One woman, Mildred Johnson (1812-1887), was married off to two complete strangers, a nephew, and a grandson in various trees on the internet. She was not happy. “This is whack,” fumed Mildred. “The least these genea-boobs could have done is hook me up with someone hot, like one of those dudes on My Daguerreotype Boyfriend. Hooking me up with my own grandson? That’s just nasty.” Florence Brown (1849-1926) was equally incensed. “Don’t people think before they put stuff out there? I mean, duh. It’s 2011. You people have invented penicillin and indoor plumbing and the atom bomb and Diet Coke, but you can’t figure out how to make sure you have the right person on your tree? Really? How stupid are you, exactly?”
Dr. Smith’s study showed that the best prevention for genea-skankery was common sense and source citations. “It’s simple,” he says.”People need to say where they got their information, and they need to look at it and see whether it makes sense. Up to 90% of all genea-skankery could be prevented by this sort of basic genea-hygiene.”
Some of the dead grannies themselves aren’t so optimistic. “Yeah, good luck with that,” said Oline Jorgensen (1854-1887). “You’re talking to the same people who keep forwarding those email hoaxes from 1996. They’re never going to acquire a clue.”