Check Your Genea-Horoscope Here

4405432886_22598475ab_zLately I’ve read lots of blog posts about the region-your-ancestors-came-from features of various DNA services. It seems that people are very interested in those things that tell you whether your ancestors came from the big blob over Western Europe, the one over Eastern Europe, or the one over some other place. From this I’ve concluded that people like to look at stuff that is mostly just for fun and doesn’t really tell you anything useful.

So, based on that insight, I consulted a genea-astrologist to bring you your own personal genealogical horoscope. You’re welcome.

ARIES—You will have a sleepless night. You will finally give up on sleep, go to your computer, and google an ancestor you haven’t worked on in a long time. You will find a never-before-seen photo of that person on someone else’s blog, and you will wake your spouse when you WOO HOO too loudly. You’ll get yelled at, but you won’t care, because OMG A PHOTO!

TAURUS—You will go to a cemetery to find a grave. The office will be closed, so you’ll have to find it the old-fashioned way. You’ll see a raven perched on a headstone, and then you’ll realize that it’s the grave you’re looking for. You’ll tell this story at every genealogy event you go for the rest of your life.

GEMINI—You will hear from a new cousin on Ancestry. You will check this new cousin’s tree and see that it goes back to Adam and Eve. You will then sigh and  eat several Reese’s pumpkins. They will be delicious.

CANCER—You will receive the death certificate for that one guy you thought was the last of his line. Under “Informant,” it will say, “Mrs. Jane Smiley (sister).” You will stand right there at the mailbox and say, “So, he had a SISTER!” Then you will reflect on the fact that you totally sound like Darth Vader.

LEO—Your local Family History Center will get fancy new microfilm readers…the kind that allow you to save your images to a flash drive. You will do a dorky little happy dance. No one at the FHC will laugh at you, because they’re all bad dancers too.

VIRGO—You will be the next genealogist featured on Who Do You Think You Are? Sadly, your celebrity will be kind of an idiot, but you’ll sound really smart, and your hair will look fabulous.

LIBRA—That Civil War pension file you ordered months ago will finally arrive. You’ll spend the next two hours reading about how your poor great-great-grandpa hasn’t pooped since Vicksburg.

SCORPIO–Some chick will write a blog post about genea-horoscopes, but she’ll leave you out. You’ll avenge your signmates by sneaking into her house and drawing mustaches on the photos of every single one of her ancestors. BWAHAHAHAHA!

SAGITTARIUS—You will finally convince your spouse to do a DNA test. You’ll find out that you’re cousins. Your mother-in-law will totally freak out.

CAPRICORN—You will get in a Facebook tiff with a fellow genealogist. It will be the eleventeeth time this happens, and there will be much rejoicing in genealogy-land when you just unfriend each other and move on. You both like dead people better anyway, so it’s all good.

AQUARIUS—You’ll go home for Thanksgiving. Your relatives will complain that you haven’t found a connection to royalty. You’ll tell them you’re descended from Charlemagne, and they’ll get all excited. The rest of us will roll our eyes in solidarity.

PISCES—You will tell someone you’re a genealogist. They’ll think you mean gynecologist. Hilarity will ensue.


DISCLAIMER: When I say “I consulted a genea-astrologist,” I actually mean, “I sat down and made all this stuff up.” No actual horoscope-making people were involved in the writing of this post. Any resemblance to people living or dead is more or less a coincidence, probably. The Darth Vader part totally did happen though, and now my neighbor thinks I’m weird. 

Photo by The Cleveland Kid

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