Check Your Genea-Horoscope Here

Check Your Genea-Horoscope Here

by Kerry Scott on 23 September 2013

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Lately I’ve read lots of blog posts about the region-your-ancestors-came-from features of various DNA services. It seems that people are very interested in those things that tell you whether your ancestors came from the big blob over Western Europe, the one over Eastern Europe, or the one over some other place. From this I’ve concluded that people like to look at stuff that is mostly just for fun and doesn’t really tell you anything useful.

So, based on that insight, I consulted a genea-astrologist to bring you your own personal genealogical horoscope. You’re welcome.

ARIES—You will have a sleepless night. You will finally give up on sleep, go to your computer, and google an ancestor you haven’t worked on in a long time. You will find a never-before-seen photo of that person on someone else’s blog, and you will wake your spouse when you WOO HOO too loudly. You’ll get yelled at, but you won’t care, because OMG A PHOTO!

TAURUS—You will go to a cemetery to find a grave. The office will be closed, so you’ll have to find it the old-fashioned way. You’ll see a raven perched on a headstone, and then you’ll realize that it’s the grave you’re looking for. You’ll tell this story at every genealogy event you go for the rest of your life.

GEMINI—You will hear from a new cousin on Ancestry. You will check this new cousin’s tree and see that it goes back to Adam and Eve. You will then sigh and  eat several Reese’s pumpkins. They will be delicious.

CANCER—You will receive the death certificate for that one guy you thought was the last of his line. Under “Informant,” it will say, “Mrs. Jane Smiley (sister).” You will stand right there at the mailbox and say, “So, he had a SISTER!” Then you will reflect on the fact that you totally sound like Darth Vader.

LEO—Your local Family History Center will get fancy new microfilm readers…the kind that allow you to save your images to a flash drive. You will do a dorky little happy dance. No one at the FHC will laugh at you, because they’re all bad dancers too.

VIRGO—You will be the next genealogist featured on Who Do You Think You Are? Sadly, your celebrity will be kind of an idiot, but you’ll sound really smart, and your hair will look fabulous.

LIBRA—That Civil War pension file you ordered months ago will finally arrive. You’ll spend the next two hours reading about how your poor great-great-grandpa hasn’t pooped since Vicksburg.

SCORPIO–Some chick will write a blog post about genea-horoscopes, but she’ll leave you out. You’ll avenge your signmates by sneaking into her house and drawing mustaches on the photos of every single one of her ancestors. BWAHAHAHAHA!

SAGITTARIUS—You will finally convince your spouse to do a DNA test. You’ll find out that you’re cousins. Your mother-in-law will totally freak out.

CAPRICORN—You will get in a Facebook tiff with a fellow genealogist. It will be the eleventeeth time this happens, and there will be much rejoicing in genealogy-land when you just unfriend each other and move on. You both like dead people better anyway, so it’s all good.

AQUARIUS—You’ll go home for Thanksgiving. Your relatives will complain that you haven’t found a connection to royalty. You’ll tell them you’re descended from Charlemagne, and they’ll get all excited. The rest of us will roll our eyes in solidarity.

PISCES—You will tell someone you’re a genealogist. They’ll think you mean gynecologist. Hilarity will ensue.


DISCLAIMER: When I say “I consulted a genea-astrologist,” I actually mean, “I sat down and made all this stuff up.” No actual horoscope-making people were involved in the writing of this post. Any resemblance to people living or dead is more or less a coincidence, probably. The Darth Vader part totally did happen though, and now my neighbor thinks I’m weird. 

Photo by The Cleveland Kid

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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }

Rox September 23, 2013 at 3:23 pm

This is the first horoscope I’ve ever a) enjoyed and b) really, really, really want to be true.


Yvonne September 23, 2013 at 4:32 pm

How did you know I was a Leo?!?!?!? Ha ha! BTW, the microfilm reader is on its way ;)


Kerry Scott September 23, 2013 at 4:43 pm

I can’t believe you got a microfilm reader. You’re like that kid in high school who got the BMW (except you probably paid for the microfilm reader yourself). I am completely consumed with envy.


Yvonne September 23, 2013 at 4:51 pm

NOOO, it’s not mine. It belongs to the new family history center our Stake is opening. I’m the Stake Family History Center Director. It is kinda neat though … when the construction guys chose pink and gray counter tops for the center (because they were on sale), I got to say, “NOPE, return them!” (AND THEY DID! I WAS SO AMAZED!) BTW, did this BU course kick your hiney?!!?!?!?!


Kerry Scott September 23, 2013 at 4:54 pm

I haven’t done the BU course yet. I’m waiting until I have 20+ hours a week to devote to it. That’s…not now. But someday.


Yvonne September 23, 2013 at 4:55 pm

I thought you had. I didn’t anticipate the level of time commitment it would take. :(

LeAnn Knifer Atkin September 23, 2013 at 4:41 pm

This was hysterically funny! I wish it would come true. Don’t believe in horoscopes, but I like mine (Gemini)!


Karen Humiston September 23, 2013 at 4:55 pm

I love it! Very funny! But is there a reason you omitted Scorpio?


Kerry Scott September 23, 2013 at 4:58 pm

Yes. The reason is that I am dumb.


Debbi Higginbotham September 23, 2013 at 4:55 pm

Ummm…you missed my sign, Scorpio!


Kerry Scott September 23, 2013 at 4:59 pm

You’re in there now. Yay for frantically editing two hours after the blog post went live!


Karen Humiston September 23, 2013 at 5:18 pm

I can especially relate to both Gemini and Aquarius. I contacted one of my Ancestry DNA matches to see if we could figure out if we’re actually related, and she was sure she knew the connection without even looking. You guessed it: forget those pesky records; it had to be Charlemagne. She was certain that she’s descended from Charlemagne, and was sure that I must be too, because my ancestors are from Europe, and his DNA was so powerful, and . . . yeah. Also, she told me that most of the immigrants to America were younger sons of royal and noble families who came here to seek their fortunes. Are you all rolling your eyes in solidarity yet?


Kerry Scott September 23, 2013 at 5:24 pm

I sure am. Geez.


J. Poole September 23, 2013 at 7:42 pm

In the early 1900′s, all genealogists were busy collecting lineages to noblemen. By the mid 20th century, everybody was collecting their “family Coat of Arms” . Now we are collecting DNA Region of Origin Charts… wonder what the next generation will decide to waste their time with ???


Sierra September 24, 2013 at 12:08 am

I just got in trouble for laughing too loudly while reading genealogy blogs in bed and waking the husband up. Oops! Thank you! This was hilarious!


Susan Partlan September 24, 2013 at 12:40 pm

I’m Pisces, which I usually think of as meaning that I’m going in two different directions at the same time, so the genealogist/gynecologist idea kind of works, because one is researching the dead while the other is busy doing reproductive apparatus maintenance for future babies. Obstetrician might make more sense though, but then it wouldn’t sound like genealogist.


Debi Austen September 25, 2013 at 3:53 pm

Kerry – where do you come up with this stuff? :-)


Jana Last September 27, 2013 at 8:18 am


I want to let you know that your blog post is listed in today’s Fab Finds post at

Have a great weekend!


Kerry Scott September 30, 2013 at 12:19 pm

Thanks Jana!


GrannyPam October 6, 2013 at 4:18 pm

This Scorpio just picked up a sharpie and is headed for your home. Be very afraid.


Katharine Ott October 23, 2013 at 3:30 am

Ha! I like the Cancer horoscope – I’ve seen a cartoon of Darth sitting in front of his computer saying the same thing. And I use the “Darth voice” quite often (yes, outloud, but no one’s around!) when I run into a surprise or unusual sister situation. Thanks for the smiles!


Deb James January 2, 2014 at 12:01 pm

Priceless! You provide me so many laughs. . . and great information as well. Who could ask for more?


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