14 Reasons the New Ancestry is the Worst Thing Since Unsliced Bread

New Ancestry ComplaintsGenealogist-ologist Dr. Pat Smith, who studies genealogists in their natural habitats, has followed up her groundbreaking work on the origins of genea-crap and her game-changing report on the origins of genea-skankery with a new report. In it, Dr. Smith reveals that she has cataloged the 14 reasons New Ancestry is the worst. No, seriously, THE WORST.

“I studied the Ancestry.com Facebook page for a full hour,” Dr. Smith tells us. “That was more than enough time to capture the essence of New Ancestry’s suckitude. I’m fortunate that so many genealogists eschew the old-fashioned idea that constructive feedback is more effective. Ancestry’s Facebook followers really tell it like it is, without any need for silly preconceived notions about critical thinking skills or treating others with respect. It’s one of the great things about the Internet Age, especially on Facebook.”

Here are the 14 actual Facebook quotes from brave genealogists who really got to the heart of what’s wrong with New Ancestry:

  1. I heard you are going to make us all go to that new Ancestry next month. I guess Scrooge is running things up there, because this is a very bad Christmas present. Worse than the heathen Starbucks cups. Ask yourself this: Would Jesus force people to use this ugly website? That’s what I thought. Repent, Ancestry. Repent before it’s too late.
  2. The colors on the new Ancestry are the worst. Every photo is in black and white! The least you could do is colorize the photos. I am unfriending you on Facebook. I mean it.
  3. THIS NEW SITE IS NOTHING BUT EYEBALL TERRORISM AND SINCE I LOOKED AT IT MY LETTERS ARE IN ALL CAPS AND I CAN’T TURN IT OFF YOU ARE THE WORST COMPANY ON EARTH
  4. New Ancestry is a liar. I know for sure that I am descended from George Washington, but it keeps giving me hints that say I am not. Those trees are liars and so are you, Ancestry. LIARS.
  5. The new Ancestry looks terrible on Internet Explorer 6.0. Please fix this. Some of us can not afford to go upgrading everything willy-nilly. Leave us Luddites in peace, because we are not bothering you one bit. We just need you to keep everything so that we can still use it. That should not be any bother at all.
  6. These colors are the worst! The old colors were warm and soothing. The new colors made me angry, and now I just burned down my neighbor’s house because I was not soothed enough by this website that I am being forced to use. I hope you’re happy that my neighbor is homeless now.
  7. I installed 17 new plugins for my browser last night, and now Ancestry won’t work at all! Your site sucks! Fix it now or I will cancel!
  8. I have been using Ancestory for geneology since 1996 and I cant understand why you keep changing it. It was just fine in 1996. New is not always better!!?! You should at least have a team of people to keep each verson of Ancestory for the people who like it alot. If you could do that for these few months you can do that forever. But dont go and raise the fees because I know you do that when your greedy. But support all the versons, okay?
  9. You are the worst site ever and when Donald Trump is president he will shut you down. When Trump says, “Make America Great Again,” he means getting rid of this New Ancestry that represents everything that’s wrong with this country. Your day is coming, Ancestry.
  10. I know what you’re doing with this New Ancestry. You’re trying to get rid of all the old people and bring in only new, young subscribers. It’s become clear to me that every genealogy company hates old people, who are not their primary customers. Next you will have a Kardashian as a spokesmodel. Don’t think we don’t know what you are doing. I hope you can fit her big butt on that dumb Lifestory thing.
  11. Please send me everything you have on the Smith family. Especially the coat of arms.
  12. New Ancestry has a picture of some woman who is teaching an Ancestry Academy class. This woman is wearing purple. I am sick to death of these genealogists who try to cram the purple lifestyle down my throat. Please only hire instructors who wear appropriate colors that I like.
  13. I am canceling my subscription because I hate the colors. I think Ancestry is in for a surprise when everyone cancels, because those colors are ugly. It’s clear to me that they hate their customers and hate money, but they will be out of business in a month anyway, because everyone hates those colors. It’s common sense that we all choose what sites to subscribe to based on the color scheme. Serves them right, because of the ugly colors. They’re ugly. I don’t like the colors.
  14. Hey, everyone. Remember that time when Ancestry was the victim of a DDOS attack, but we all really knew that it was a secret plot to get rid of RootsWeb? RootsWeb is still there, but that’s only to cover their tracks. This New Ancestry is the same kind of plot. They’re trying to fool us by saying that you have to improve websites to keep them secure and functional, but we all know the truth. To prove it, I took a screen shot of the New Ancestry, had it printed on giant paper, rolled around on it naked, and then lit it on fire. Guess what I saw? “ROOTSWEB MUST DIE,” clear as a bell, spelled out in the flames. That’s proof. It’s going to be on FoxNews tomorrow. Open your eyes, sheeple!

DISCLAIMER: These quotes are totally made up. Any similarity to actual quotes on Ancestry’s Facebook page is more or less coincidental-ish, pretty much. I have no connection to Ancestry, other than as a longtime paid user who occasionally has problems with New Ancestry, submits them via email, and usually gets a helpful response. I have no connection to Ancestry’s Facebook page, other than as a spectator who highly recommends it as a source of free entertainment. If you don’t think these comments are realistic, go there and see for yourself. Click on Visitor Posts, on the left side, down the page a bit. Make some popcorn first. 

Photo by cbransto, with obvious modifications

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