Words are for Chumps. Winky Face.

4745520501_da25937a79_bGood news, everyone! Literacy is no longer a thing. We no longer need to use our words to communicate, because the smartiacs at Facebook have launched their new Facebook Reactions feature. Instead of saying, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” or “Wow, those kids who trashed a graveyard are terrible,” we can just click a little emoji thingie. Now English majors all over the world are going to take even more crap from their relatives about how useless their degrees are.

So, thank goodness for that, I guess.

I was kind of disappointed in the choice of emoji thingies. I mean, they’re okay, if you’re into illiteracy. But none of these are ones I’d use a lot. I feel like we could do better. Fortunately, I’m a real Helpful Hannah, so I’ve taken the liberty of creating some new emoji thingies while I was screwing around in PowerPoint instead of working on my next presentation. See if you think these might come in handy:

Side-EyeMeaning: You have just posted something ridiculous or inflammatory. I am hereby giving you side-eye. There’s probably a Marge Simpson-esque growl in there too.

CheeseMeaning: It appears you are in need of some cheese go to with that whine. Here it is. This is good Wisconsin cheese, too. You’re welcome. [Note: This could come with an optional hankie emoji, for people who tell you every time they sniffle.]

PopcornMeaning: Oh snap. Someone has just said something that has considerable potential to turn this into a complete train wreck. Lemme go pop some popcorn so I’m ready when the show starts.

EyerollMeaning: Oh my gawd. You’re being a total a drama queen. If you need attention, just say so. Stop vaguebooking. Unless you’ve time traveled back to junior high school, which is now inexplicably called middle school, which makes me want to use the next emoji in this list.

Get Off My LawnMeaning: Get off my lawn. You whippersnappers, with your lack of cursive and your disheveled presidential candidates and your nonstop texting, are ruining the world. Also, that duck lips thing you do in your selfies? Stop that. You’re going to get wrinkles in weird places.

Lightning Bolt of SuckitudeMeaning: This is a bolt of lightning. You deserve this, for overusing the “share button” and/or spreading misinformation. Let me introduce you to a new thing: Google. Use it. And then stop making a complete fool of yourself when you think that Walt Disney is going to come back from the grave to ride on Space Mountain if you share this post.

Gold StarMeaning: Gold star for you. Your post made sense,  it wasn’t hateful or stupid, and I enjoyed it. People like you are the reason I haven’t deleted my Facebook account. Thanks for not sucking, and rock on.

I assume that Mark Zuckerberg will be calling me any minute (or possibly beaming his thoughts directly into my brain, which seems like the sort of thing Facebook would do). Don’t worry, I’ll be humble when I’m wealthy. Realistically, I’ll only be wealthy for a week or so, until I’ve blown all the money on interlibrary loan fees. You know how it is. Gold star for you.

Photo by Denis Dervisevic

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